​New Year - New Goals - New Results

I gotta say, I am extremely excited for this year. I finally can sit down and start some real planning for my business, which is my other child that I have been putting energy into for the last 19 years. 

My whole family expect me recently had Covid. We have been isolated at home for the required ten days, and now the girls are back at school and daycare. This is great because I can get back to work. The most challenging thing for me is having to put all my work aside when my girls need me. This impacts how much I can get done, but on the other hand, I get to take care of them and this is most important. One day they won't need me, so, for now, I make them my priority. 

So this week, I am taking time to plan my work for 2022. I have some pretty big goals that I want to reach, and it will take something for me to achieve these goals. That's ok; I'm ready to put in the work to reach these goals, mainly because the results will impact others and make their lives better. 

Some of my goals are speaking in 5 countries virtually this year, and I want to talk to 250,000 people just this year. I have some new talks and programs I will be launching this year. I am increasing my contribution to my local Burn Survivor Peer Support Group as they need my leadership and contribution. I aim to hire a VA this year and outsource some of my tasks that do not require me to do. 

This post is also to put my goals out in the world as a declaration and have some public accountability. So reach out if you don't see me posting about my goals. Check-in to see how things are going. I need your support and accountability to reach these goals. 

One of the biggest obstacles I had in my journey of life is being with others when they look at my scars. In the beginning, I hated my scars. I thought I was ugly, broken and unlovable. I didn't want people to see my scars. I had so much noise in my head about my scars and the shame around surviving the fatal car crash that took my friends. At times it was almost too much.

In the early days of being a burn survivor, I ran through life not wanting to deal with life or allow others to see me. I ran away from everything. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, all I saw was this ugly broken face, and I was a guy that loved the mirror and fixing my hair, so I looked awesome. 

Over time and learning to accept the scars, I learned to love my imperfections. It wasn't overnight, but I have learned to love my scars and how I look with time. They are a part of me, and they are not going anywhere. My dad taught me the most significant lesson; he taught me how to accept my scars. Through his love and conversations, I was able to accept my scars. I learned that they aren't going anywhere, and the doctors will never be able to make me look like I did before. When I gave up resisting my scars, my whole world changed. I could actually look people in the eye without any shame or noise in my head. I have done exercises where I kissed my scars or reflection in the mirror as an act of true acceptance. That exercise shifted my whole world. Powerful!

One of the biggest compliments I get from others is that I look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I don't look down or away. I don't talk to their feet, chest or forehead. Instead, I look them in the eyes and allow them to see me. When I do this, I get to truly experience connection at the human level. 

If you are struggling with the noise in your head about how you look, I invite you to do three things. 

1. Let go of all the noise in your head about how you look.
2. Learn to accept yourself, flaws and all. 
3. Look people in the eyes and let them see you. 

I hope you have an awesome day and let someone see you for the first time in a long time. ​

​I often think I am extremely normal like everyone else. I say there is nothing special about me, I'm like everyone else. I even say, wouldn't everyone do what I do. It keeps me small and not really playing full out in life. I don't get to be great or legendary.

But the reality is, I am special, just like you. I deflect the conversation of being special because I am secretly scared of how great I can be. I like being that guy that ever so often inspires and motivates people. I have it that it's hard work to keep it up all the time. But, the funny thing is it's not hard being my great self. I get so much positive feedback and encouragement which fills me up to keep going.

I want you to know that we all have fears and anxiety about things in life. I want you to know that you are awesome. I want you to feel it deep down. I want you to get how truly amazing you are and how lovable you are.

You are worthy of love and being loved. You are enough, flaws and all. You probably have been hurt in the past when you let love in. It's kind of part of the whole experience of finding love.

I was hurt too. I hurt so much I use to cry with the fears I'd never find someone to love me for who I am. I thought I'd be alone forever. I thought I was broken, destroyed and ugly. I couldn't get past how I looked or how I thought I looked. I couldn't even imagine the life I have today with the love of 4 beautiful women (Bri my wife and 3 beautiful girls; Abigail, Bridget and Camilla).

With time I have learned to accept my scars and my body. I learned to accept they were part of me and they weren't going away. I resisted it at first, I had lots of reasons to hate the way I looked and my scars. But, when I stopped resisting my scars my world changed. I stopped being ashamed of them and started to embrace them. I started to love my life again.

I invite you to embrace your flaws or what you consider flaws. They are part of you and they are not going away overnight. What is possible when you let go of all the noise in your head and love yourself? You are worth it!

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I am currently booking presentations for schools, companies and organizations to help those struggling with fear, anxiety and life. This is the work I am great at. This is the work that breaths life into me. This is the work that makes me legendary. Reach out to start the conversation of working together. There is no group too small or big.

John Westhaver
Survivor - Speaker - Coach
JohnWesthaver.com
250-514-5143

#love
#hope
#acceptance
#courage

Most people are paralyzed by the fear of failure. I am one of them.


The problem is that failure is often seen as a negative thing. How often have you told yourself, "I can't do something. I just can't do it." That's not how the world works. The truth is that it's all about how you look at failure. You can look at something as negative, or you can look at it as an opportunity for your next success.


I often have that negative voice in my head that says, "I will fail. Do not try.' That voice in my head is trying to keep me safe, or at least not put me in a situation that will cause me harm or pain. I have had to learn to let go of that voice in my head and take risks in order to grow and make the real difference I am out to cause in the world. If I let that fear take over, I would never have gotten into speaking to people about safety or helping other trauma survivors get back into life. I saw an opportunity to make a difference in the world and had to put that negative fear conversation in my head aside. I had to put the fear aside and see the real opportunity that is there. It was not easy, but it was possible with practice. 


Over time that voice has diminished in power and volume, but it is still there trying to keep me safe. I now choose to thank it and then ignore it. I want you to know that you can do the same. Focus on what is possible versus the fear of failing. Learn and practise letting go of that internal negative voice, the one that is based on fear. Look at what is possible and choose to focus on that. Get that you are safe and you are growing. 


What goals or accomplishments are you putting off because you are fearful of failing? What opportunities are you missing out on because of your fear?


John Westhaver
Survivor | Speaker | Coach


John Westhaver (Courageous Leadership)
Hope | Courage | Power


#leadership #success #mentalhealth #motivation #coaching #inspiration #mindset #safety #power #opportunity

Originally posted on December 30, 2015.
​I’m sitting here creating a new youth talk and inside of that I found myself struggling with what to write. I ask myself what do I have to offer that would making a difference with youth. I noticed myself going down this rabbit hole of “I’m not good enough”. It’s so funny how quick I dive down that hole and hide out in the “I’m not good enough” head-space. Hey it’s comfy down here, I have everything thing I need to survive. I noticed as well that there is noting to prove down here. I have it that I can’t lose if I hide out in I’m not good enough. However I am only fooling myself. There is lots to loose, I never reach my goals and I never make the difference I am out to make.

I was sitting here this morning trying to figure out why the “I’m not good enough” conversation in my head has such a grip on and it hit me. It has a grip on me because I choose to let it have a grip on me. I saw that it was an old conversation and it wasn’t even me that said it. It was said to me by someone who I looked to for guidance and acceptance at a very young and impressionable age. So I decided that it must be true. I wasn’t good enough because it seemed to fit. Well it must be true if someone I look up to said it. Well that is the little boy conversation that is in my head and I lived my life striving to be good enough. It’s funny how I never achieved enough and I say in my head that it’s because I’m not good enough. I can give you a ton of examples. I even try to please everyone because if I was good enough everyone would like me. It’s funny how the mind works and will rationalize the thoughts we think.

I also saw that I never really try too hard because I never wanted to fail and prove I’m not good enough. I’d put in the effort and all, but I wouldn’t give the 100% effort encase I failed. I had it that if I give 100% and I failed, then it must be true that I am not good enough and that would be the proof. It’s funny when I think how fearful I am to fail. I am truly afraid to fail because I have it be something fundamental about me. I also get that failure is just a conversation in my head and that it has nothing to do with me as a person unless I choose to believe that. I know there is no failure unless I stop trying. I am choosing to giving up the conversation that I am a failure. I am taking on playing 100% and it’s OK if I fail because it has nothing to do with me(John Westhaver) or me being good enough. I am choosing to to put all those dis-empowering conversations in head aside. I’m giving myself the space and freedom to mess-up and that there is no failure. Out of this I am creating a new talk titled “What’s Stopping You?”.
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Do you struggle with the fear of failure? What are you making it mean about you? Where are you letting it hold you back? What would be possible if you couldn’t fail?

Originally posted in 2004.
You don’t grow up dreaming to be a burn survivor, rather you may have dreamed of being a teacher, fire fighter or police officer. You don’t grow up dreaming of it, it just happens. I have been a burn survivor for almost 16 years. When I wake up and run through my regular daily routine I have a tendency to forget about all the trauma and grief that I’ve gone through. It has taken a long time to cope with my burn scars and disfigurement and well as physical incapability’s.
I grew up a normal teen doing everyday teen things; I hung out with friends, was on the high school wrestling team and had lots of friends. I was a typical teen enjoying life and everything life had to offer. Coming from a small town there wasn’t a lot to do on the weekends as a teenager so we would find a way to get alcohol and then find somewhere to consume it; this was a regular weekend occurrence. We were typical teens who never got into too much mischief.
It was a typical Friday night in my senior year of high school when my life was turned upside down, inside out and stomped on. This Friday night started out like no other, we all met up at the local pool hall where we’d play pool and figure out our plans for the weekend. We decided to venture to another pool hall in small town about 45 minutes away from where we lived. We had never been there so we thought we’d go check it out. Being regular teens and not old enough to buy alcohol we managed to find a way to get us alcohol. Now our golden rule was we never drank and drove as we were always told not to. The driver was sober and me and two of my other friends were drinking. Well, we were all having fun at the pool hall and it was getting late so we decided to head back home. Now this is the part where my life was changed forever and I lost those three close friends, one being my best friend. Halfway back the driver lost control of the car on a sharp corner and the car ended up in the ditch with 3 dead teen boys and one on fire.
Now this is the part when people like to play the blame game. Yes, the driver was speeding and in control of the car, but we were the ones in the car drinking with the tunes cranked thinking nothing would ever happen. As a teen you are influenced highly by your peers hence the term ‘peer pressure’. If we were not drinking and acting like foolish teens while in the car I like to think this would have never happened. We are all responsible for what happened that night in one way or another and that is important to understand and deal with.
When I awoke in that hospital bed with burns to 75% of my body and a broken arm, I desperately wanted to blame someone other than myself. I was lucky though because I had my family there with me and my dad was a key role in my recovery, as he is the one that helped me cope with what had happened the most. He helped me understand that the driver didn’t mean for this to happen. Yes he was the one driving but he lost his life too. When I was able to digest this and take responsibility I was able to start to heal.
I had a long road to recover in my future. I underwent numerous surgeries and countless hours of therapy. The physical pain from the surgery was a daily occurrence for me with the strongest pain killers only slightly numbing the pain. The pain from the physical therapy was almost unbearable and as you are going through it seems almost pointless. Pointless till you are able to get the mobility back, whether it is in your legs or arms or hands. I used to cry because it was so painful to stretch my scar filled hands. I now am very thankful now for the pain they put me through as it gave me mobility where if I never would have done it I would never have the mobility I have today.
Now the physical burn scars are hard to cope with physically but they are much harder to cope with on a mental wellbeing basis. I was a typical teen and dressed a certain way and was used to the way I looked. I used to sit in front of the mirror for what my father said was forever doing my hair. Hey, I had to make sure it looked great. As a teen you struggle to fit in and be a part of the group and try not to standout. We all know how hard life is as a teen with all the life changes you go through with the development of your body and all the crazy rushing hormones. Now throw into that mixture the reality of being a burn victim, I say a burn victim because at this stage I was. I had to cope with the reality that I would never look the same again and I had to get used to my newly disfigured face. How fair was this to me I thought. I had a hard time coping with this and with the support of my family and friends and lots and lots of time I was able to cope. I look different for sure and don’t deny it. It has taken a long time but I now can say I love the way I look. It may sound strange but it’s true, I love my scars as they are a part of who I am and what I am. I am a burn survivor and I am proud to be one. Without my scars I would never be the man I am today. My life is filled with lots of people that love me and who I love. I am not rich in a financial sense but I am rich in the sense of who I have in my life and for that I am thankful to be a burn survivor.

Originally posted on November 8, 2014. 
Today I am present to the impacts of when someone calls us ugly or hideous or gross or a monster because of how we look.

I can remember what it’s like when someone would say this to me or when they would stare at me. Times like this are definitely tough and I have had times like this when I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. Not a good feeling at all.

I understand that some people might be activated by my scars. That is not my problem. They may see my scars as ugly(or what negative word they choose) and those are their thoughts, not my thoughts and I don’t have to own them. When people get triggered by what they interpret as ugly, this has nothing to do with me at all. It has everything to do with them. They may be so caught up in looks that they can’t be with someone that has scars or is disfigured. This is something that they are struggling with.

If someone can’t be with how I look or my scars, this is OK with me. I don’t have the right to make them wrong for their thoughts or feelings. I can though, be curious with them and wonder what it is about my scars that they can’t be with. I can give them space and and not push myself on them.

Now I was not always like this and I would get activated and angry(a lot) when someone would stare at me and my scars. I was activated because I thought of my scars as ugly. I thought that I was broken, destroyed and worthless. I was very ashamed of my scars and hated it when people would stare at me. I was ashamed of my scars, when someone would look at me or stare, I would be extremely embarrassed and ashamed. I was ashamed of the scars and this was because what I was saying about my own scars. It had nothing to do with anyone but me. I seen my scars as a defect. I was telling myself that I was ugly, destroyed, worthless and unlovable.

Over time I have learned to accept my scars and am now able to be with my scars. I actually love my scars. It has taken a long time to get here and it’s been a struggle but man I love the way I look. I look different and that’s OK with me. Now when someone stares, I smile and introduce myself and share why I look different. I get the greatest joy when someone is able to look me in the eyes. People tell me all the time that after meeting me and being with me my scars disappear.

I understand that they are only staring because I look different and they are curiosity and I’m OK with that. If they don’t like the way I look, that’s OK too because that has nothing to do with me. I encourage you if you are struggling with how your scars look, then look at what you are saying about your scars. What negative talk are you saying about the scars or about yourself. I invite you to give that negative talk or view point. Don’t be ashamed of your scars, they are just scars, just skin cells. I encourage you to embrace your scars and learn to love them. When you are able to to just be with your scars then your life will be enriched. You will find yourself happier and you may even discover that people are more accepting of you and may even want to spend more time getting to know you.

If you are interested in learning how to accept your scars email me at johnwesthaver @gmail.com.
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Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Please share it with everyone.